1. You haven’t slept in months.
2. You smell of sick.
3. Bodily functions don’t bother you.
4. You have grown to stomach and even enjoy freezing cold tea and coffee.
5. Every item of clothing you own has a stain on it.
6. Your house is a shit tip.
7. Your car is a shit tip.
8. In fact you don’t have a car, you have a toy box on wheels.
9. Your fridge is covered in “art” lovingly made at school.
10. You pray this art doesn’t consist of glitter, dried pasta or anything else that can fall off and will need hoovering.
11. Your bed sheets are covered in sick and wee. You only change the sheets if the baby actually poos on them, unless you can clean it with a wet wipe. Or it’s not on your side of the bed.
12. Washing is a daily battle.
13. Dinner time is a daily battle.
14. Bedtime is a daily battle.
15. You drink, daily.
16. You know and like the theme tunes to various children’s tv programmes.
17. Nickelodeon is your saviour and nemesis at the same time.
18. You haven’t washed your hair in days.
19. You will never be alone again.
20. You only shave your legs on special occasions or if the hairs start poking through your clothing.
21. You can navigate the creaky floor boards of your house like you’re playing minesweeper.
22. A “late night” is 9pm.
23. A “lay in” is 7.30am
24. You have a fully stocked medicine box kept in the kitchen to save running upstairs for a fucking plaster every 2 minutes.
25. You only clean the bits you can see whether that’s your house, yourself or your kids. For the love of god don’t open any cupboards!
26. Your boobs have deserted you and have become best friends with your knees.
27. If you exert yourself too much you will wee yourself. Frequently.
28. There are days when you want to murder your husband for breathing.
29. There are days when you want to murder ANYONE for breathing.
30. Despite the disgusting bodily functions, lack of sleep, messy home, lack of privacy and general hatred of life at times you wouldn’t change a thing.